R. Lee Ermey, host of Mail Call on the History Channel,
autographed his photo for Mike at the Indy World of Wheels Show
November 8 of 2002: Some Marine Corps
jokesters are circulating a Top 10 list for an air base in Afghanistan
on
how to make living conditions better in the combat zone. The list comes in
response to an article in The Washington Times.
It told of photographs
produced by two Air Force sergeants on the austere base: long chow lines,
dusty roads,
few recreational facilities and rationed bottled water. The
Air Force declined to comment.
A spokesman for U.S. Central Command, which
runs the war in Afghanistan, said conditions are improving weekly.
Here is the Marines' list of TOP 10 AIR FORCE
COMPLAINTS
overheard at the air base:
| 10. Toilet seats aren't the puffy kind. |
| 9. Vichyssoise made with Idaho potatoes instead of russet. |
| 8. Poor quality carpet padding used in offices. |
| 7. Air conditioners only rated at 600 BTUs. |
| 6. Showtime, not HBO. |
| 5. BDUs [battle dress uniforms] make airmen look fat. |
| 4. No wine list at dining facility. |
| 3. How come the Army guys get those nice berets? |
| 2. Must those jets be so loud? |
| 1. Hey, that guy in the turban is trying to kill me! |
My friend's sister-in-law was
driving home in her large station wagon with
her five children and the four that she baby-sits. All nine kids were
yelling and playing. While she was waiting at a stoplight, an Army truck
full of soldiers pulled up next to her. Just before the light turned
green, she yelled "Quiet!" and the nine children stopped in mid-sentence.
Driving away, she turned and noticed that all the soldiers were saluting her.
Contributed to Reader's Digest "Humor In
Uniform" by T. L. Zucker
American And Iraqi Soldiers
A squad of American soldiers was
patrolling along the Iraqi border.
To their surprise, they found the body
of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road.
A short distance
up the road, they found a badly injured American soldier
in a
ditch on the other side of the road.
They ran to him and asked him
what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth.
I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard.
I looked him right in the eye and shouted,
'Saddam Hussein is an
unprincipled, lying piece of trash!'
He looked me right in the eye and shouted back,
'Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!'"
"We were standing there shaking hands in the middle of the road
when the truck hit us."
Did I forget anything?
Sleep
anywhere you can.
| 1. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept the Medical Officer's statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go on sick parade, you are able to come to work. |
| 2. Leave of Absence for an Operation: We are no longer allowing this practice. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for. |
| 3. Quantity of Work: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough. |
| 4. Quality of Work: The minimum acceptable level is perfection. |
| 5. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. |
| 6. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. |
| 7. Advice from the Commanding Officer: Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day |
| 8. The senior officer is Always Right. |
| 9. When the senior officer is Wrong, Refer to Rule 8. |
Military Night
Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all
through the skies,
Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.
Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense
That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.
When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;
I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.
And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded:
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE!"
On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk,
And scramble our fighters--let's send the whole flock.
Launch decoys and missiles, use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!
They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.
Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.
So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.
Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade
All the web of defenses we've carefully made.
But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!
SPC Schwarz
Once upon a time, there was an SPC
Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans.
SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both,
since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to
do in the Army.
He collected those things into a hilarious list and posted them to the web.
Here is the part of the list (58) we could post on the CLEAN military humor
page.
My proper military title is
'Specialist Schwarz', not 'Princess Anastasia'.
Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I
give to a question an officer asks me.
Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.
Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'.
Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!'
Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.
Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (even if they do
hit snooze about forty times).
Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
(Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for
everybody.
Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during airborne operations.
('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to
meet my maker')
Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in.
Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins', not 'Sugar Daddy'.
Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that
the world is going to end, more than once.
I am not authorized to fire officers.
I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other forty-nine, lesser states.
Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations.
An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit.
An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape.
The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'
If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine, it
means he outranks me. It does not mean 'I have been promoted three more times
than you'.
It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to
Specialist Schwarz.
Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not
tell them, "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids
you are looking for."
I may not call block my chain of command.
Must not start any Situation Report with, "I recently had an experience I just
had to write you about...."
If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to
assume that I am not allowed to do it.
Must not refer to 1st Sgt as 'Mom'.
Must not refer to the Commander as 'Dad'.
A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are
"casualties of war".
My commander is not old enough to have fought in the Civil War, and I should
stop implying that he did.
I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.
I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian armored
vehicles.
"Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.
The Microsoft 'Dancing Paperclip' is not authorized to countermand any orders.
An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the
same.
The following items do not exist: Keys to the drop zone, a box of grid squares,
blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light batteries.
On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.
I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
I am not to refer to a formation as 'the boxy rectangle thingie'.
On Army documents, my race is not 'Other'.
I am not the Emperor of anything.
Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.
Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
The proper response to a briefing is not, 'That's what you think'.
I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I Am' until verse 68 ever again.
Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training missions.
I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three
turbine has frequent flame-outs", "Flux capacitor emits loud whine when
engaged")
Not allowed to get shot.
Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance
that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I
have no reason to question them.
Do not convince NCO's that their razor bumps are the result of microscopic
parasites.